Quandary Mat: My Work BFF Threw Me Under the Bus
Dear Hunter,
About a year ago, I encouraged a friend of mine to apply for an open manager position where I work. She was hired. We were both happy about it, and it was fun to have her here. But recently, it’s gotten really bad. She uses me to make excuses when she does something she’s not supposed to, or makes a mistake. Recently, she missed a required meeting to do something else, and said I told her to do the other things! She is making me look bad in front of my boss (he’s her boss too). I think she wants to look like she’s better than me and also get away with doing whatever she wants. She has thrown me under the bus a few times now. What should I do?
Signed,
Heavy Heart
Dear Heavy Heart,
I am sorry that your good deed, helping your friend get a job, turned into this mess. You are dealing with a complicated interpersonal situation with a mix of personal hurt and threats to your workplace relationships.
Because it’s personal and emotional, and because we want to work through our strongest emotions before responding in important situations, I recommend making a decision about the friendship with FBFF (Former Best Friend Forever) itself first. Decide how to think about it, at least for now. Both options are easy to say and hard to do:
Decide to put the friendship on ice for a while, not to put any of your energy and time into being a friend, with a plan to think about that relationship later.
Or, if the damage has been too much, you could decide to let the friendship go. Some friendships run their course and need to end.
Either way you go, this will help you focus in the short term on the workplace problem. What happens in the work arena will help you decide how to proceed with the friendship later. (Maybe she’s struggling and only focused on herself, so she doesn’t see the impact her actions are having on you? You will find out.)
One thought about where you stand now at work, that might reassure you:
You were there first, and your boss knows you outside of what FBFF is doing and saying. The boss may see exactly what’s going on with FBFF and not hold any of it against you.
With FBFF, here are some steps to take:
Have the difficult conversation with FBFF. Find a time neither of you has time to focus. Maybe ask her to walk around the block with you, or go to coffee. You can tell her this is about work, and it’s important. Tell her about one incident recently, maybe the one where she said you told her to miss the required meeting. Tell her it’s important to you that she not use you as an excuse with the boss, especially when it’s not true.
Use the Situation-Behavior-Impact format to keep your comments specific, facts-based, and steer clear of assumptions (“Why are you trying to sabotage me?”) and generalizations (“You always do this thing …”). One incident at a time.
Then let her speak. Listen (calmly if you can manage it!) to her perspective.
Seek agreement that she won’t do it again. But be prepared not to get that. She may be defensive and deny she did anything wrong. We can’t control other people’s reactions. If she offers excuses, seek acknowledgement that she heard what you asked of her, even if she does not agree.
This direct approach may take care of it. If she “throws you under the bus” with your boss again, speak with her again. It will be uncomfortable, maybe emotional. But this is good practice in setting boundaries and expectations.
Then, based on her statements and actions, you can decide what to do about the friendship: Rekindle it. Let it cool. Let it go.
If you let it go, for now or long-term, that means that FBFF is a coworker only now. Grieving a friendship is a real thing. It will probably still be painful to see her and work with her, but you will have decided for yourself what this relationship is.
You can decide, too, if you want to speak to or email your boss (“No, I did not tell her to skip the meeting. Not sure why she said that”), or if you want to let that go because you feel protective of FBFF.
This is a tough one, Heavy Heart. I am sorry it’s happening to you. Best of luck to you!